We know the zombie apocalypse is near, there’s no denying it. We’ve been warned by many important people (George Romero and Brad Pitt) of the end, even the homeless man in the street knows the end of all life is coming, and time of the dead is close.

So we’ll be dissecting a few movies and a series (zombie and virus outbreaks) to provide you with hints and tips on surviving the inevitable.

1. You are not safe, so don’t ever let your guard down. When you think you’re safe, you usually end up on the floor with gaping wounds, and a zombie-orgy on your chest. 28 Weeks Later: people thought the end… ended, but they were wrong.

2. Any means of heavy armored transport will be needed  (I’m stealing my neighbor’s 4×4 when the outbreak starts). What will you do? Dawn of the Dead (Latest): the modified bus at the end is a good example of innovation.

3. Gather your resources, and stay healthy. If you have a broken ankle, fuck it, it needs to be amputated.No need for slow people. If you’re one of the slow ones, you better make sure you’ve got a dumb friend to protect you. The Walking Dead: No need for any passengers on this ride.

4. Be aware of your surroundings – think Boy Scout, without the tight khaki pants. No need to take a dump at that abandoned petrol station, have a ‘kak’ in front of the living. They’ve seen the rotting undead, a turd or two won’t scar them. Land of the Dead: don’t go into places you’ll regret.

5. If you hear a sound, or a grunt from where you’re standing, for the love of all things living, don’t go and investigate. You will die a horrible death, and get devoured by ravaging zombies that’ll pick the flesh from your bones. Any zombie movie: why are there still idiots out there?

6. Never give up hope. 28 Days Later: guy was pissed off, infected blood dripped in his eyes, he turned, and the others were ‘saved’ by the military.

7. Having sex with any other person than your partner will result in your death. The cool guy never makes it out. If you want to have a little sexy time, make sure you wear a condom. No time for babies in the apocalypse. Dawn of the Dead: When someone has sex, either they or their partner will die.

8. Learn to fly. A plane is much faster than a car, horse, or a bike. Planes – preferably a smaller aircraft – make getting in or out a breeze. The next best thing is probably an Apache Helicopter. World War Z: Did you see how fast the plane escaped from Israel? It was infected mid flight but that’s besides the point.

9. Always have a backup plan, and have a backup plan for the backup plan. Preparing will be essential, don’t overlook anything. I Am Legend: he was prepared, look how far it got him…

10. Enjoy the little things. Zombieland: no need for jobs, petrol hikes and the EFF, life will be a breeze.

Horror Zombie

These few hints and tips might help you fight off the undead/infected, and help you in your quest for survival.  We will be broadcasting on 105,60 FM when the outbreak starts, and will have food and water. So if anyone reads this during the apocalypse, you are not alone…