This weekend, I attended a party at (insert any venue name here) which I thought was going to blow my mind. I was set for partying, and to be joyous because after all, it was the weekend…How wrong was I.

I’m not here to moan and groan about events that could’ve been done better, or why some people now detest certain places. Nope, I’m here to tell you about what I would do (all of this is now in my head and probably would never ever come true). This is merely an idea that I have, I’ve been to a lot of events and festivals – some were done so bad that my brandy tasted sour and ice-less (Yes that happened as well), but some so good that I couldn’t stop babbling about it for days:

The ultimate event – according to me:

Let’s start as you’re walking or driving into a venue; pre-sold tickets all the way! Don’t encourage people to buy at the gate. A person with money at a gate, equals massive clogging into any party. It’s money and all that, but what really irritates the living bejehsus out of everyone, is the asshole in front screaming: “Bru, do you have like R20 for me, Dale was supposed to bring it but he’s now passed out” dude, get your shit together first and then go stand in the line!

Festival People

And if there are people buying at the gate; put up BIG signs for them to see, and let them use an alternative entrance. Like I said; don’t clog up the line. Oppikoppi does this well, drive in with cars – you cover more people in cars coming into the grounds.

When inside the premises, don’t have a bar within five meters from the entrance. People wait in lines for the entrance, and don’t want to wait another fifteen minutes to squeeze past a ton of guys in funny hats drinking seven shots of tequila in a row.

Alcohol purchases; this is a necessity to get right for any event. People will pay for overpriced booze in a plastic cup, if they get the refreshment within five minutes of standing in line. It’s as simple as that. Masses of people = a lot of bar tenders! It might be difficult to handle the amount of people but some factors are self induced like: not having a working card machine… really? Don’t you test it beforehand? Would you go to war without a working gun? Would you go into an operation without narcotics? No, it’s your job, try to do it right, mkay? Another thing that heats up the room, is conversations with your friends. Oh goody, your buddies are at the bar, haven’t seen them in an hour? Let’s discuss all the travel arrangements for tonight, why the new barman is a doos, and also the stand the Soviet Union is taking relating to the Siberia… Come on, get the order, give the drinks, take the money and take a complimentary shot.


Food. We as humans eat. We like our food; we want to eat if we drink. If you don’t have food at the festival, and we need to drive somewhere, don’t have the same entrance and exit. Ever seen traffic from both sides driving in one lane? This comparison is the same for people getting in and out of places; it will result in a total fuck up. But back to the food, have copious amounts of food stalls at different places, and the people serving the food should also note the bar tender rules as I so duly pointed out above. And another magical rule that seems to be forgotten by some; PREPARE! If you think that your hotdogs and burgers are the best this side of the train tracks, do make sure you have a lot. Running out of stock two hours into any event is inexcusable.

Drinking from cups, cans and bottles will leave any event dirty. We as intoxicated humans, can not move our arms into the direction of a dustbin. It’s scientifically proven, that we are unable to accomplish this most daunting of tasks. Unfortunately with this behaviour, we tend to make other people pay for our inabilities to clean up, by projecting these items at bands that we THINK suck and losers in our field of vision. This is where security comes in; these fuckers should not be allowed to watch any show further. Those funny projectiles that you are throwing could hit someone in the face, shatter and cause permanent damage to the unfortunate person. Not so funny anymore fucktard?

Alright, moving along. The attractions, the bands, the entertainers! The reason we’re here, the bands! Bands and the people there, should know when they are playing, that they shouldn’t don’t mix up the roster and expect people to hear about it from word of mouth. It doesn’t always work.If you have social media – let the people know about it and inform the band accordingly. People don’t like standing in front of a stage waiting for X to play, and instead Y comes up and informs the crowd that X is maybe playing four hours later. It sucks!

These are most of the things that we would like to see put in motion. We know it’ll still not be perfect, but every little improvement helps. If you agree with me, cool. If you don’t, tell me why not.