This was truly the best Oppikoppi I have ever been to. The vibe was amazing, the people were super friendly and the bands rocked. With that said it was also the dirtiest one, we got hit with a dust storm Saturday which lodged little dust particles on every single place on your body. I am still washing off the dust from my ass and hair. What will be following will be nothing but the truth, unrated and in your face, excuse my fucking language.

We headed to the festival on Wednesday morning early, or that was the plan. We left an hour late due to a certain lady that overslept; we were all ready to go when I phoned her at 6 in the morning because we were fucking amped to throw away our names. But she was still sleeping so we chilled for an eternity while opening the first beer waiting for her. Better late than never, we got on our way eventually. It was raining most of the way there and it felt so good driving in the opposite direction of the line of people going to work. We felt like bosses, we killed a bottle of brandy on the way there and already got in the mood to party. When we hit Northam,  literally with Tanya’s wheel in a pothole, our good friend Allain then proceeded to pass out, what we didn’t know that this would be the first of many passing out that he will be participating in.

We arrived just after nine but there were already tents pitched up and people chilling, what the fuck. The gates were apparently only opening at nine, but never mind; we were there safe and pitching up our homes for the next few days.

It was a cold day, we were all in jackets and freezing our balls off, but we had alcohol to light up the fires in our souls, except Allain who was already passed out again. Let me tell you this about our friend Allain, he drinks a few drinks, passes out, wakes up, drinks a few more, passes out again and wakes up again. This happened every single day. When we asked him why does he do it to himself, his words were: “It is my fucking R600, I can fucking sleep the festival away if I want to.” There were no bands playing and the food stalls were closed, expect a tuck shop that was edging between Mordor and civilization that saved my life.

We had a good night and some of us decided to pack it in early to rest our livers for the next day, but some of our gang decided that the night would be theirs, what followed can only be described as a clusterfuck.

I woke up and could clearly hear Poena being drunk out of his mind; he stood like the leaning tower of Pisa. He lost his camera and Iphone4s, we found it later again. But he was hammered out of his mind, made no sense when he talked and was very interested in hugging everyone in the vicinity of 5 meters around our campsite, he also started playing a irritating bongo drum with no rhythm whatsoever, his eyes lit up like he was leading a drum circle. He passed out in a camping chair, we did what any good Samaritan would have done in his situation, we moved him still in his passed out state into the dust road and placed some motivational signs on him (as seen below). He was an instant hit among the Oppikoppi prawns passing by, everyone stopped and took pictures with him, laughed with us and poor Poena was sleeping unaware that he became an Oppikoppi sensation. A TV crew came pass and filmed him, we woke him up and his first words were, “Koengani.  We all enjoyed it, t’was a good start to the festival/festivities.

The day consisted of us laying in front of the stages and hiding away from the scorching sun while we were still semi sober. That night we had a few drinks, okay that is putting it mildly, we almost killed our brandy supply and tequila. That night our good friend Makro became one with the dust by falling face first in our campsite while attempting to jump over a washing machine inside thing, don’t judge. We drank the night away and woke up looking like a dust pixie fucked our faces and I had a nice long conversation with a lady that was so cool and chilled, and sadly was beginning to lose her voice.

Next morning we were up and ready, Jacques and I decided that an eight in the morning tequila would go down very smoothly. We got Margarita’s instead, and what a revelation they were, I have had nothing that good early in the morning, okay maybe nice boobs in my face but that is another story. I drank the first one and was almost in a buzz already, guess the alcohol didn’t wear off as I initially thought it did. We had tequila’s on top of the Koppi, Candice and Tanya’ faces were the proof that Jose Cuervo Black is damn good! The day was spent walking around and getting food to stuff our faces, PS: if you don’t want to stand in lines for food, go to the side where Wesley’s dome is, that burger stand came from heaven and had no ques.

This next section is dedicated to the one part of the Friday night. We were a tight night group walking around and four of our crew decided that they were more than friends at that moment and that a bond had to be made. So they tied themselves together with a material resembling a rope. So now we had two couples bound together and braving the hill in front of us. We all fell on our asses on the way up in such a spectacular fashion, and danced like mad people at the Red Bull stage. Next up were Fokofpolisiekar, what a show, the crowd were louder than Van Coke and people were going crazy for them. Now comes a little piece that I thought about leaving out but it is too good not to say, Candice and Tanya drank quite a lot, the latter more than the other. She was a monster, jumping up and down to no music, falling down, speaking and making no sense. It all ended when we got back to the campsite for her, what goes in must come out. Don’t be angry T 😉

During all this madness I decided that I needed a refill and found Ballie on the way back to the campsite, we had no wood to keep us warm (Wow that sounds so dirty). We survived by throwing everything, I mean everything in the fire that we did not need. A chair burned, bottles burned, paper ignited and a bottle of brake fluid became a pyro’s dream.

As the sun rose for the last party day at Oppikoppi it was a light in a dark place and for some (T) it meant that a hangover of epic proportions was to follow. Shame she looked horrible and kak! Not to mention another camper that passed out in a chair, and guess what? He also became a statue in the road with his chair, even Jacques from MK Tag attempted to interview the guy.

Fast forward the drinking and eating to Eagles of Death Metal, what a show, I knew little of them before Oppikoppi but I am now an avid fan. Jesse “Boots Electric” Hughes could not stop in pouring out his love for South Africa and put up such a stage performance while snapping guitar strings like crazy. The music that they made was truly amazing and I couldn’t stop dancing, well everyone in the crowd was going crazy for them. Me and Niel hillbillied ourselves into a frenzy on “I want you so hard”.

Next up were Enter Shikari, we stood at the side while watching them, that was all. We were all sitting in front of Wesley’s Dome and waiting for the man himself, Mr. Jack Parow. He blew us away with his slick rapping skills and beats, I jumped up and down like I had ADD and couldn’t control it. What I am about to say will get frowned upon by metal heads all around, I got a complete blackout. I spent money on tequila at the top bar, and can’t remember if I watched Bullet for my Valentine at all. I think I watched one or two tracks and decided that I need more tequila. I woke up OUTSIDE my tent in the early hours of the morning; yes I could not gain access to my tent and did the next best thing….eventually I creeped under the covers and hid from the cold with my tent buddy who had by that time no voice whatsoever. Oppikoppi killed Ed!

We left the next morning and took 2 hours to get out of Northam in a dust cloud, it was evident that we died and our souls were long gone…Till next year, and then we can search for them.

Thought I might give everyone their little 30 seconds of Oppikoppi fame and some memories that I had of them:

Ballie: This guy was more at the Red Bull stage than the sound guys working there, he was constantly wearing his backpack with 2 bottles of brandy’s and a coke. Respect! My partner in crime when we were setting the camp on fire Friday night.

Allain: I think he might be suffering from some or other disease that makes him sleep constantly and cough his lungs out. An Oppikoppi virgin but he got fucked; he fell his ass off from the koppi and only dislodged the rock on Monday. True story

Poena: What can be said about him that can do him any justice, a fucking Oppikoppi legend and a great friend. He passed out completely half past 8 in the morning and got filmed, photographed and almost sold. He was always up for a drink, and made us all laugh. Thank bud, would have not be the same without you.

Pieter: I did not see him that much actually; he was always with his miner light on his head and dancing the night away. He was an absolute monster when he partied and never stood back for the sunlight. He made the morning his bitch.

Michelle: Another Oppikoppi crazy Malkind that was so busy, I could swear that she had Red Bull with her all the time. So much energy and was amazeballs to party with you.

Makro: Our Secunda friend, he was nice enough to let us party on his farm without any problems, except a six pack from all the laughing. He has the weirdest chest hair pattern, but according to him it was his Batman sign. He fell on his face in the dust with his backpack on, that just summed up Koppi: Face down in the dust while still having a smile on your face. Epic

Vine: Never met her before but damn this girl can party, I couldn’t keep up and she was doing everything with a big smile on her face. Again another awesome person that I had the privilege to meet.

Jacques: Another Oppikoppi virgin that had me in stitches almost every minute of every day, also a Secunda buddy that I lost for a few hours Saturday morning. Next time we are going to fuck up that judgmental crocodile!

Ruan: The silent warrior that broke everything in his path, a truly funny guy that only talks when needed to and when he does, you will be laughing like a demon. He is also a huge guy, he was dubbed Bear!

Tanya: What can be said what hasn’t been said already, first time at Oppikoppi in 4 years and made her presence felt on Friday night. Hope you enjoyed it girl!

Callas: To start this off, one does not simply bring Bronx to Oppikoppi. An Oppikoppi camper that stayed up with the big boys (unlike me) and partied till the sun rose each morning, well done dude.

Niel: We had kotch Olympics and he won hands down, he is not called “Niel die Baas” for no reason, he parties like a boss, he drinks whiskey like a boss and had attended to most Koppi’s between us all. Oppikoppi is not complete without Die Baas.

Candice: The responsible one, we saw her wild side on Friday night for a little while. She keeps up with the guys in every way and even climbed the rope on the side of the Koppi! Respect Lady!

Kristie: The lady without the voice, partied like one should only to be struck with losing her voice the last few days. Such a pleasure meeting you.

Okay enough of the writing, here is gallery that went down at Oppikoppi Sweeeeeeeeeeeet Thing