This weekend we went to a bar/club in the Montana area on Zambezi Road, rumored to be one of the best watering holes in the Pretoria region…

I’m always ready for new things, places and people, so this weekend I tried a new place – outside of the Norfff – which I cannot name and shame publicly. Everyone always told me about the place, and how fun and entertaining it was. So with alcoholic refreshments in our tummies and smiles on our faces we headed out to a bar/club on Zambezi road.

It was neither late nor early, but we still had to pay an entrance fee for a supposed dance floor with three people parading on it, it didn’t bother me as most places have fees that have to be obliged to. So after the financial part for our entrance was settled, and the dance floor with the three people not enthralling us – it must’ve been the three people or ‘Sexy Hoender’ blaring out of the speakers – we went upstairs to see if the upper level had more entertainment. Sadly we were greeted by a Lurch-look-a-like with a blank stare and comments about my shirt, according to him I had a Satan-metal black shirt, but in reality it was a grey shirt with a small leopard print – I had no idea the underworld was into leopard prints? But it didn’t bother me, as I was used to Lurch-look-a-likes with no friends.

We finally entered the upper dance floor and squeezed past the ton of people, and proceeded to the outside top area (think of the place as a heart, two rooms at the bottom and two on top) which was crammed to the limit and had no room to move, the area was littered with fancy-snake-skin-pointers-wearing-guys-that-had-orange-coated-skin-with-sunglasses-indoors and a minimal amount of girls, I assumed they were scared off by the fancy-snake-skin-pointers-wearing-guys-that-had-orange-coated-skin-with-sunglasses-indoors guys… So the top area was out of the equation, which left us no choice but to move back downstairs to the ‘Sexy Hoender’ room.

A Normal Turtle

A Normal Turtle

As I was walking away from the bar after we had a quick drink stop, I was the unfortunate victim of ‘Let me introduce you to my sister, she’ll like you’ scenario:

Scruffy Looking Lady = SLL

Me = Me

SLL: ‘Wow, you’re hot, my sister will like you’
Me: ‘Thank you, but I do have a girl here, and she’s waiting outside for me’
SLL: ‘No, but you’ll like my sister, she’s sexy and you can dance with her’
Me: ‘Thank you, but I’ll pass, I’m in a happy relationship’
SLL: ‘Don’t be a spoilsport, and dance with her, you’ll make a nice couple’
Me : ‘No thank you, I have a girl as I said, and I’m sure your sister is nice but no thank you’
SLL: ‘You’ll regret this day asshole, she would’ve made you more happy than you’ve ever been’
Me: ‘I’ll take my chances’
SLL: ‘Screw you, and you can buy me a drink for wasting my time’
Me: ‘I’m just going to go and pretend this never happened’

After the uncomfortable conversation I walked out of the ‘Sexy Hoender’ room, and sat outside to enjoy my lady’s company. NOW THIS IS WHERE IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL.

I was used to the Norfff area and heard all the stories that we’re the zef people in Snor City, but within ten minutes of sitting outside I was in the zeffest zone I’ve ever been. There were cars revving outside to the applause of pedestrians, there were people fighting in the street, ‘skobbejakke’ trying to sell their products, police vans waiting for a riot, and remixes of remixes on the latest Bump album. I was scared, and I wanted to leave with immediate effect.

So the point of this post is merely to tell the readers that I will NEVER EVER go the bar/club on Zambezi again– it fucking sucked and I hated it. I’m not going to discourage you to try the bar/club out, all I’m saying is make up your own mind, if I’m right, then so be it, and if I’m wrong, you must be a fancy-snake-skin-pointers-wearing-guys-that-had-orange-coated-skin-with-sunglasses-indoors guy.