On Wednesday night my lady and I went to the movies for some much needed eye candy – with 3D glasses – in the form of a cinematic adventure. As soon as the movie started, a couple came in and sat right in front of us – no idea why, because the cinema was almost empty. They had this habit of checking their phones every ten minutes to see if someone texted them. This is where we started to get pissed off and mildly irritated at these people, and wanted to shove the phone down their throats. But hey, I’m a lover not a fighter; so I rather thought about ranting on it for everyone to see and maybe agree with me. These are the things that can really grind my gears: Cellphones You might think it’s funny to text every single one-liner to your boy/girlfriend at home, but did you know that the screen light you so proudly flash every time has the ability to look like a big screen TV, blinding every person in the cinema? And shoving the phone in the air to get more signal is just an idiotic move and you shouldn’t belong to the human race. Talking on your phone in the cinema has become a huge cause of severe cinema rage in the past few years, and you can become a part of the solution by standing the fuck up and walking out to talk on the phone. Throwing shoes, popcorn, and flat coke at people like that is alright in my book. Fokken comments I pay to go watch a movie; I don’t pay for some ‘kid’ to comment on every single thing happening in the movie like they’re paid to play the narrator. I don’t care if you hate Chris Hemsworth or think that Charlize Theron has small boobs. You can write it down and discuss it at home, not in the cinema. If you think that the movie is shit, walk out. This might come as a shock, but if you sit through the movie it won’t get any better – the director won’t come in, chop and change to please you. If you want to go to the bathroom, whisper it to your companion, don’t scream at them for five minutes that you want to go but the scene is too good to miss. Kicking chairs This is the most common and most irritating problem in the world. The cinema is empty, you’re sitting one row from the back, people come in and sit behind you, what do they usually do? There may be some or other kind of magnetic field that attracts legs to the back of a seat that I don’t know about, and it’s proven that those legs will kick your seat during the entire movie. Watching a comedy? The people who are laughing kick your seat out of happiness and joy. Watching a horror? People kick your seat if they get a fright. The easiest way to solve this problem is by standing up, walking to their row, sit next to them, smile awkwardly and shake their seat every time something interesting happens. If they ask you what you are doing, calmly tell them that they wanted to give you a 4D movie experience and that you’re only returning the favor. The ‘what the fucks’ are priceless. Look where you walk We know that the cinemas are usually dark places from the abyss, and that walking is not as easy as in broad daylight, but for fuck sake people, watch where you walk. Watching the movie while you walk out between the rows, has spilled drinks and popcorn over the floors written all over it – look where you walk. I bet you that missing twelve seconds of The Hunger Games will not impact your life in any way. There you have it, things that really irritate the living daylights out of me and I’m sure I am not alone in this. So let’s stand up to these inconsiderate people and join my anti-idiot cinema crusade!