The douche-bag is a vile and utterly annoying creature. Douche-bags have taken over, and you can’t go more than two days without encountering at least one of these abominations. They should be easily spotted…

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For those of you lucky enough, to not be familiar with the ways of the douche, this next list will serve as a “what to expect” PSA. And hopefully, some douche-bags will come across this, and change their dastardly ways.

Their Cars:

First, you must understand that there is a difference between a car enthusiast, and a vehicular douche. Where the enthusiast might have a conversion with you about… fuck I dunno, engine things, every now and then; the douche will actively criticize any car that isn’t their own. They love bragging about spending hundreds and thousands of rands on their “pomp-wagon”, just so that it could gain one more horse power.

"This kids, is why we won't be having any dinner... for the next couple of years."

“This kids, is why we won’t be having any dinner… for the next couple of years.”

Their one-night-stand conquests:

One-night-stands can be a wonderful thing for both parties involved (when it doesn’t happen every Tuesday). But, have some fucking class! No one wants to hear every filthy detail of what you guys did, or how cool that brand new STD you picked up makes your private parts look.

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How much they drink (or don’t drink)

Getting completely shit-faced drunk every now and then, is more than acceptable in our books. But, proclaiming that no one can drink more than you, and then proceeding to down every drink in sight, is not considered “Extreme”… especially when you’re at your 7-year-old kid’s birthday party.

"Happy birthday buddy... sorry about that broken arm"

“Happy birthday buddy… sorry about that broken arm”

On the other hand, going to a party knowing you’re not going to be drinking, and then criticizing other people for their drinking, is considered a dick move.

Getting into fights (or almost getting into fights)

When normal people get out of the house for some fun, they don’t plan on getting into a brawl. No one likes that guy. You know, the guy, he’s the guy who only gets out of bed when he’s sure he’ll be punching someones face in later. Nothing ruins a party, like two dumb-asses bleeding all over the place. And please don’t be the guy who constantly talks about how he would’ve totally kicked that other guys ass, if the guy wasn’t a cop.

Sure dude... keep telling yourself that.

Sure dude… keep telling yourself that.

About how much they can “bench”

For fuck sakes, we get it. You go to the gym. Congratulations. If you are training correctly, there should really be no reason to tell random people that you go to the gym. It should be obvious. It may be hard for you to understand, but no one cares how much you can lift… unless you are able to lift the shame off of yourself for being a twat.

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About their money:

One of the worst things ever, is a douche with a platinum card. They make more money than you, and make damned sure you know it. They’ll constantly remind you (sometimes subtly), that whatever you have, they have the better version. Don’t get us wrong, if they want to pay for our drinks the whole night long, they could be forgiven. However, most rich douches are also extremely stingy.

Too bad money can't buy a better personality.

Too bad money can’t buy a better personality.

About being a hipster:

Being a hipster is fine, I guess… just… don’t brag about it. Everything is too mainstream for these douchebags, and they’ll make sure you notice how “un-mainstream” they are. Heard a cool new band yesterday? Be sure a hipster douche will be there to let you know how much cooler that band was before they went “mainstream”. Do whatever the fuck you want, dress like your grandpa, we don’t care, just don’t expect us to kiss your feat for doing so.

"Having other peoples faces on your shirt, is just so mainstream."

“Having other peoples faces on your shirt, is just so mainstream.”

About their careers:

Many of us don’t have our dream jobs (yet), but often people who do, feel it very necessary to rub it in our noses. We like to call these people the career-douches. If we had a choice, we probably wouldn’t be flipping burgers or washing cars; so telling us that our jobs suck, and that yours is so much better, is not going to magically get us a better job. We’re happy you’re enjoying your job, and feel free to tell us about your new promotion or whatever, just don’t act like you’re better than other people.

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About their Facebook or Twitter “awesomeness”

Keep in mind, even douchebags have facebook and twitter, and they’ll use these tools to further their douchebaggery. They’ll tell you exactly how many Facebook friends or twitter followers they have, whenever someone even mentions a social network. And they LOVE giving you advice on how to be more awesome at social networking, whenever they get the chance. Their pretentious updates and tweets are something to be feared.

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Just… fuck off.

About their sporting “achievements”

You’ll see them at the bar, watching the game, and telling everyone around them how much better they would’ve passed the ball etc. These are the types of douche who live in the past. They almost scored a goal once while they were in high-school, and from that day on believed themselves to be the best player who ever lived.

The only sport this douche is really any good at.

The only sport this douche is really any good at.

Share this list so that the people guilty of any of these will know they’re annoying, and hopefully become better people… oh, just share it anyway.