We’re back for 2014, and what a year it’ll be for all of us. We’ve been ranting and raving about the Norfff, but thankfully we haven’t been punched even once after making fun of our… “habitat”, so we’ll keep on posting. We’ll be covering our New Year aspirations this week and another mind boggling thing: New Year aspirations: Most Norfff-ers reading this will mistake aspiration for an Aspirin, so to keep the explanation short and simple, we will clarify it. Aspirations are those neat little things that you say a few minutes before or after the 1st of January that lasts as long as the Zamalek in your hand. A few aspirations I overheard were to loose weight, exercise more and cut back on the drinking. I assumed that none of these lasted very long, and we also misinterpreted losing weight, we thought they were talking about their bodies. But alas, I was wrong – they meant losing weight in the sense of their tuned-up vehicles. They got rid of the back seats for more space (you know, less wind resistance, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, see King of the Norfff) and slimmed down on the spinners. You can’t drive fast down Voortrekker for pink slips if you have spinners falling off and distracting you. Exercise more… applying for a gym membership and not going does not, I repeat does not mean exercising. Cutting down on the Drinking. Norfff-ers drink before they go out drinking, so cutting down means toning down on the drinking beforehand and the ‘loop-doppe’. If you tell a person coming from ‘Die Noord’ to drink slower or less – you will be met by a blank confused stare and a ‘Fok jou Ma’. Jobs: With great power (Supercharged Uno wifff fuel injection) comes great responsibility, with that much horse power under your hood, you need something to finance it. So we have to get a job, or jobs (Mechanic by day, Spur waiter by night). We usually quit our jobs right before December (more drinking time) and apply at a new garage in the middle of January. Our CV’s usually consist of ten pages of random jobs and two letters from our uncle stating that we haven’t been in jail since 2008 and completed our online course in ‘Calculator Literature’ and diploma printed on the back of a page from ‘Stywe Lyne’. If the interview for the specified job is not in the morning or in a clear radius of 10km of a bar/shebeen/guest house, we will rock up drunk. There’s no way around it. Jobs that we usually apply for can be anything from a backyard mechanic, barman, security guard, aspiring model, Chico at Spur, or a parking attendant. This is referred to as ‘Lunch Time’ There you have it, surely we’ll get punched or spat on by someone now? We’ve crossed every line – except the line to get out of the Norfff.