That’s right people, some Norfffers do go to college – and a small percentage of those colleges are even totally legit… sometimes. Don’t worry, your shock is as big as ours. And in my case, it’s not just a college, but a University – it’s like a college, only WAY snobbier, which is why I’ll stick to calling it “college”.

So you may be wondering why I’m writing about my college experience, and thinking; “aren’t all college experiences basically the same?” Well, yes. But not if you’re a Norfffer…

And as Why Ed strives to be a valuable source of worldly, and scholar-like knowledge (hahahahahahahaha), I’ll try to fill you in on what it’s like to be a tainted wolf among the snobbiest of sheep, a dirty needle in the pristine haystack that is higher education located outside the warm confines of the Norfff.

Let’s start at the beginning.

The Gates

robben-island-Adam-Ciesielski

The first thing you notice as you step past the security gate which serves as your new welcome-mat –complete with guards and card readers– is the security.

It’s the kind of set-up that’s unfamiliar to people in the Norfff, as the only security we can normally rely on, is the 9 millimetre strapped to our ankles, or the ‘billtong’ knife in our pockets. It all seems very secure, and that made me feel slightly insecure – and it’s not just because I had to leave my 9 mill and ‘billtong’ in the car.

All the security just makes you start thinking of how tough it’s gonna be to smuggle booze into this place… Which is where this next part comes in.

The campus bars

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Let’s not fuck around here, the single greatest thing about college (or the one I’m attending, anyway) is the fact that there’s not just a bar on campus, there’s alcohol sold EVERYWHERE. A Norfffer’s wet-dream really.

Due to this fact, and the fact that a beer there’s about half the cost it normally is, my first couple of weeks there were particularly hazy.

The availability of certain… substances

"Hey, brother. This is just for my own personal use..."

“Hey, brother. This is just for my own personal use…”

And as surprising as this sounds, the alcohol was the only thing clouding my already clouded judgement. But that’s absolutely not because there weren’t many other substances on offer. I mean, I was asked if I wanted to buy a ‘bankie’ at least twice in the five minutes it took to get from my car to the entrance.

That sort of brazen solicitation in the Norfff is usually reserved for dark corners next to the train tracks, or in the parking lot of a certain closed bar that rhymes with “go sip”… And it only becomes apparent that college is a drug filled, no, drug-fuelled place, when you listen to the natives of this strange land.

Talks of eating, snorting, injecting, and smoking all kinds of different happy things are abundant. And speaking about, well, speaking…

Gees, those accents, bru

Aah, the great Johannesburg accent. So perfectly normal, yet so alien to anyone in the Norfff.

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The slightly effeminate looking kid on the left does it pretty well…

There’s no escaping it: when people who exclusively spoke Afrikaans, start dabbling in English a little too often, an abomination of an accent is born. And that abomination is hilariously evident amongst the people of the corny accents college.

The Johannesburg accent, while still much better than the average South African accent, is the most “posh” and snobby of all the many accents you’ll find in South Africa. It’s the BMW M5 of accents: a little higher class than you, but still not as high-class as the people who drive them think they are. When someone from the Norfff isn’t used to such an accent, and they’re suddenly faced with one, a definite feeling of uncomfortably and judgement sweeps over them.

They start to think; “Shit, I must sound like a flippen caveman to these ouks, hey.” And they often do. But that’s okay, as most of those poshy Johannesburgians know well enough to keep their mouths shut about it – they know Norfffers carry knives, after all.

Let’s wrap this one up here

So it this article turned out to be less “hard-hitting anthropological examination of a Norfffer’s college life”, and more “just basically shit I’ve noticed around campus”, but I guess that works too.

Stick around, and I might just delve into the wonderful world of campus girls, something called “veganism”, and enough alcohol to give a whale a ‘babbelas’.