There are a lot of things that make South Africa such a great place to live in; foremost of these, are crime and corruption (awesome, I know). With all these wonderful things SA has to offer, one might start wondering why all those flashy superheroes in movies and comic books, won’t lend us South Africans a bit of their crime-fighting expertise.

Some of the heroes could do a lot of good here, and we should invite them in with open arms if they happen to pop by for a visit.

These heroes are:

Thor: The God of Thunder, can give Eskom a helping hand with all the blackouts and electricity quandaries, but Eskom will probably overwork and underpay him, while all the fat cats indulge in their profits. A strike will be inevitable!

Don't worry, I got this

Don’t worry, I got this

The Hulk: Will get pissed off with taxi’s and hopefully crush them. Also, there’s not much he could do to smash our infrastructure, because it’s already pretty fucked-up.

Drive in front of me one more time

Drive in front of me one more time

Super-Man: Can’t be stabbed or shot, and no one in SA can afford kryptonite.

Not happening in SA anytime soon

Not happening in SA anytime soon

Deadpool: His teleportation would come in very handy during traffic jams. And, he’s immune to all diseases and regenerates instantly, nuff said.

Yes it is a little tight in the crotch area

Yes it is a little tight in the crotch area

Storm: I want to play in the goddamned snow! The closest I ever got to snow was when I accidentally flooded the Slush Puppy machine at the movies.

Fuck you Smirnoff Storm

Fuck you Smirnoff Storm

Well… for all the heroes that would do well in SA, there are even more that would probably get their asses handed to them…

And those heroes are:

Hellboy: The Nigerians would cut him up and eat him to help them get a hard-on (’cause of the horns people!).

They got my horns

They got my horns

Iron-Man: Our thieves would steal all his shit, including his suit, even while he’s flying with it. But on the plus side; he’ll get super rich (yes he can get richer) with under the table arms deals.

They will never take you babe

They will never take you babe

Spider-Man: He would bring down entire buildings with his constant web-swinging. And his emotional crying will earn him a place in “Weskoppies”

It just collapsed out of nowhere

It just collapsed out of nowhere

Wolverine: Our “bad guys” would show him what real knives look like, if that doesn’t happen he will surely be pawned off in some dodgy shack, and his claws used to make mini wind-pumps that are sold next to the road.

Try and make little wind pumps out of these

Try and make little wind pumps out of these

Bat-Man: Works with the police on occasion… bad idea in SA. And, every other police officer will try to take a joyride in the Bat mobile.

Got pulled over....AGAIN

Got pulled over….AGAIN

Professor X: How sad would it be to see a bald guy, in a wheelchair, on bricks… And the poor guy will never get the handicapped parking spot, because of all the alleged handicapped BMW or Mercedes drivers.

Y U PARK THERE BMW

Y U PARK THERE BMW

Whether any of these heroes would actually be a benefit to South Africa, or just screw it up more than it already is (a difficult task indeed) doesn’t matter. I’d just love to be there to see it all go down.

(This post would not have been possible, without the invaluable input and creativity of Ed.)

– Tank, out.