I’ve had a weird fascination with spiders since I was a little kid – I used to collect them and constantly play with them – they were my little pets. As boys usually do, we keep those critters in the most unreliable of ‘cages’ with a 100% chance of escape… much to the delight of my parents. You see, I loved spiders when I was younger, and got a few bites, but I used to think of them as love bites, they were showing me signs of compassion.

But as time moved on and I got older, I’ve become quite shit-scared of them. I can’t bear to have ONE single spider in my bedroom before sleeping, I keep imagining that one of them will climb into my nose/mouth/ears/belly button and lay eggs in one of my organs, and that I will become spider-guy… a circus will pick me up and I will become one of their main attractions named: ‘The Boy who cried Spider’…just me?

There's no love in those eyes any more.

There’s no love in those eyes any more.

Back to spiders, I don’t know what it is about them that freaks me out so much, maybe it’s those bloodlust-eyes that stare at you from the ceiling when you’re in bed, or the way they move around – they’re like genetically engineered land-crabs with more hair. I’ve heard that they’re more scared of people than we are at them, but that is a fucking LIE. I don’t see them running away with arms in the air, swatting at air and imagining we’re in their hair, and I definitely don’t see them keeping humans in cages, admiring us from afar? See I told you; those things have nerves of steel and will use any and every force to scare us.

To finish off my spider rant, a few days ago I was at my lady’s house, helping her clean up. We picked up a few things from the ground – the house wasn’t dirty, a few things fell off the bedroom closet because of ummmm… a mini earthquake? As I was picking up, I picked up this oddly shaped thing that looked like some or other hair accessory… but to the dogs behind me and my amazement it was a fucking spider. (He wanted to kill us, I’m 80% sure of this) I have never seen dogs jump up in the air or heard a human shouting louder than a dog barking.

The spider didn't look anything like this

The spider didn’t look anything like this

I barely survived, and I can state that I am a survivor.