The times they are a changing, that is true. Some things change when we grow older; we get wiser and learn from our mistakes. Some just take a little bit longer to learn from the past. Sex has dramatically changed from when you were that nervous teen to a more mature individual, we still tend to do stupid things or say the most random things when we get in the mood. Now I am here to make you laugh at things that probably happened to you, or will in the near future. Note that I want to name some people but due to the fact that I am a nice guy, I won’t. So here we go on things that may have happened during that time, and what has changed.

Then: You are a nervous fuck, your hands shake, you get sweaty and you have no idea what to do. You have no plan and now you are smiling like an idiot trying to look calm.

Now: You know what to do, all those nights of going through your Kama Sutra books in your toilet is now going to pay off. You have a plan but a poor execution, when it finally happens you can not remember one thing from those books expect one picture of a girl bending her legs so far back she resembles a dying praying mantis.

If sex is the question, is this the answer?

Then: You stutter and mutter; you say things like “I love you” right in the middle of everything on the first date.

Now: Now you know that saying romantic things in sex doesn’t quite pay off as in the movies, and due to some experience you never ask “Is that good?” because it will always be a “yes” unless you are really fucking useless.

Then: You wait till your/or her parents leave to do the deed, you keep looking at the door expecting them to catch you in the act and the most simple of sounds causes a heart attack.

Now: You do it at home in your/or her own place. Someone catches you pants on your ankles and ass in the air.

Then: Showers and baths were mere bathroom utilities.

Now: Showers and bathtubs are now bathroom utilities that can be used as sex locations. The shower and bathtub is small though, you climb in the bath not checking the temperature before hand and end up with a burnt ass and balls cue the stepping on each other toes in the shower and then all of a sudden the soap falls……

Then: You get cock blocked by your dad, mom, sister, brother, brother’s friends, uncle and great grandfather.

Now: You get cock blocked by your best friend because he was drunk, stole a shopping cart and is now sitting next to the road with a broken wrist and waiting for you to pick him up.

Then: Boobs are those magical things that can only be seen in rated movies, you almost pass out when you see your first pair, and you didn’t know nipples were so weird.

Now: You have seen so many boobs in your life, you can differentiate between different sizes by just a mere glimpse and you have your favorite type of nipple.

Then: Lights need to be off, no matter what. The other person may not see my privates, they can touch or nibble but god forbid if they see anything.

Now: You try and make a sex tape, you fail horribly, you notice that holding a camera while having sex is really not that easy and that one scene from behind, somewhat resembles a penguin trying to pry a clam open with its beak.

Then: There has been a condom in your wallet since the beginning of time that has become part of the material, you saved it for that special time.

Now: You have no condoms what so ever, I mean really who buys condoms, you get the stuff for free. At festivals or at the post office. With that kind of mentality you will have 3 kids when you reach 27.

Then: Eating out meant a family dinner at Spur with the Salad Valley being raided by screaming kids while Chico is trying to look intrested in his job.

Now: Eating out is another word for…… Google it!

Then: You are someone’s first and special one, you feel so honoured and wish that the moment will never end. You end up spooning for 2 hours.

Now: You get told you are special and asked with a serious face if it was your first time. You can not wait to get out of the moment.

So there you have it, names have not been published to due to a few PK’s that I will receive if I do. Agree or disagree, or let’s agree to disagree on some of the items named here. If you have anything else, drop a comment. Best response will receive a bottle of brandy, only applicable to people living in Pretoria.* Terms and conditions apply*

Ed

* Only applicable to people living in Pretoria

*Decision is final

*Brandy will be the choice of Why Ed

*Winner to be announced on 26/10/2012