We wish we could tell you that this was still the world. But we’ve come to realise that you can’t have a world without people. And there are no people here, only Pokémon trainers and Pokémon.

No, my friends, this is now “The United States Of Pokéland”

It’s amazing how quickly things can go from normal to total Poké-storm literally overnight. Everyone’s out there catching Pokémon, meeting like-minded people, and getting off their lazy asses. If you haven’t joined them yet, you should do so immediately. But first, here are a few pro-tips for those of you just setting out.

1. Cardio

Jy moet almal vang! Elke liewe donnerse Pocket Monster. Tyd om daardie flab af te skud, en daardie bene bietjie te oefen. Die arms moet ook begin beweeg, jy kan nie jou foon die hele tyd vashou nie, dit gaan pyn en jy gaan moet invest in pyn patches. We suggest cardio, oefen daardie bene en arms. Trap fiets of hardloop op en af in jou sitkamer. Berei jouself voor vir die lang pad. You’re going to walk far, boet! Those egss won’t hatch themselves.

When there's a Lapras two blocks away

When there’s a Lapras two blocks away

2. Double tap

Double tap, even if you miss the first time, double tap to get your Pokéball back. We say double tap because the first time is always a fail, much like our social life.  As jy nie die eerste keer slaag nie, gaan weer. Dis soos om te wieps, jy skud twee keer. Nie meer of minder nie.

3. Beware of bathrooms

Aitsa! Moenie in ‘n kakhuis ‘n Diglet soek nie, jy gaan net poef kry asook ‘n kak reuk in jou neusgate. Nee wat, skip die ene en spaar jouself ‘n verleentheid om ‘n bra te sien (en te hoor) wat gietergat het van gisteraand se Rissie Bredie. You don’t want this in your life, bad things happen to good people.

That is not a Muk

That is not a brown Muk

4. Wear Seatbelts

Dra jou materiaal lewensredder as jy in die pad ry. Jy kan dalk 5km per uur ry en al die stadsverkeer ophou, maar dra net jou seatbelt. Die cops kan jou aftrek en uitkak omdat jy soos ‘n nool op jou foon iets soek, maar darem dra jy jou seatbelt. Dit tel vir iets! Gaan kyk na ons “Get a kickass partner” section vir julle wat bestuur en glad nie “GO” op die pad nie.

Don't be a Caitlyn. Buckle Up

Don’t be a Caitlyn. Buckle Up

7. Travel Light

If you’re running after a Gastly in the middle of a park, you don’t need a backpack the size of a small library on your back, nor do you need a shopping bag full of milk and bread for your family. Ditch those useless things, you need Pokémon, and you need them now! Your family can fend for themselves, but a wild Gastly is something that needs you right now. Travel light: clothes, cellphone (and a shit-ton of power banks), and a friend. That’s all you need.

8. Get a Kick-Ass Partner

Ash has Brock and Misty. Columbus had Tallahassee. So, you need someone to join you in your quest to become the very best. We suggest someone who has your back wherever you go. Iemand wat jou passie deel (jou ouma tel nie). Jy kort ‘n vennoot wat nie gaan kak vat nie, en saam jou beweeg as julle Gym in gevaar is.  Jou kick-ass buddy moet ook die ene wees wat die kar bestuur terwyl jy vang, en vice versa. Moenie altwee op julle fone wees nie. Karre is hard, jou lyf is nie so hard nie.

Wanneer julle altwee 'n Snorlax kort...

Wanneer julle altwee ‘n Snorlax kort…

17. Don’t be a Hero

Dis iets wat na aan ons hart is. Moenie die held probeer speel nie. As daar ‘n Pokémon in ‘n fokken dodgy alley is wat soos pis en ou blomkool ruik, los dit net. Jou besittings gaan iemand anders s’n word en jou ma gaan die moer in vir jou wees. Don’t be the hero. You’re the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now…

 

Jy is nie Enrique Iglesias nie.

Jy is nie Enrique Iglesias nie.

17. Limber Up

Almost as important as Cardio. You need to limber up. Jy wil nie ‘n hammie trek halfpad deur ‘n moerse battle nie. Jy gaan seerkry en dalk ‘n enkel verstuit. Dit gebeur met die beste van ons. Wees beter en strek. Jy lyk dalk soos ‘n hanswors, maar jy is beter en kan verder gaan as die res. Waterbottels help ook hier. Strek en vat H2O vir jou lyf. It works, and you can totally nail that 3.2 km to egg hatching awesomeness.

21. Avoid Strip Clubs

This is kind of self-explanatory: entering a strip club dressed as Ash and asking for Squirtle will result in a few weird looks and one moerse PK in the face. Avoid these places. There are parks, churches, and monuments that’ll keep your needs fulfilled. Leave the strip clubs for people who want a Squirtle in their face… siesa.

Smithers wanted a Squirtle, this is what he ended up with.

Smithers wanted a Squirtle, this is what he ended up with.

22. When in Doubt, Know your Way Out

As jy kniediep tussen Pidgeys en Rattatas vashak, ken jou pad uit. Mes-hande uit die kak, jy kan nie nog Pokémon vir Professor Willow stuur nie. Die man is seker al so gatvol vir almal se rotte en duiwe. Ons sal ook voorstel dat jy ten minste elke 15 minute van jou foon aandag vat. Indied nie, gaan jy in ‘n brandweerstasie of in een of ander familie se sitkamer op eindig.

Life finds a way. So should you

Life finds a way. So should you

31. Check the Back Seat

How many Pokémon have you missed since starting this revolutionary game? How many have been right next to you? When klapping a Pokédrive with the mates on a Friday night, make sure you check the back seat. There may be a surprise waiting for you… we’re not talking about packets of empty cigarettes or love stains. We’re talking about Pokémon hiding in your vehicle. Remember this rule, it might save you a few rands worth of petrol. Petrol is duur!

Wanneer jy 'n fokken Cubone agter jou kry.

Wanneer jy ‘n fokken Cubone agter jou kry.

32. Enjoy the Little Things

Daar is so baie kak wat in die land tans gebeur, geniet die klein goed. Pokémon laat mense bietjie vergeet van hulle daaglikse probleme, laat hulle dit enjoy. Screw almal wat dink dis tos. Ons almal hou van ons eie plesiertjies. Let them enjoy it! It’s just a gam… lifestyle.

09idUKC