So, we’re already in the middle of the first month of the new year, and everyone’s “new year’s resolutions” should be in full swing. Well, most people have probably already failed their resolutions thoroughly at this point. Many people set their sights high when planning their resolutions, and then ultimately fail, fucking miserably. It happens to the best of us, and I’ve had my fair share of failures believe me.

Here are a few examples of where the expectations of a resolution meet reality…

Getting in shape

Expectation: Buy all the equipment! Join a gym, and actually go to it. Run around the block at least 10 times every day. Take the stairs instead of the elevator whenever you get the chance. And stop sitting around doing nothing in your free time.

"Let's fucking do this!"

“Let’s do this!”

Reality: Use the equipment in fun and creative ways… like using the weights as door-stoppers. Go to the gym… twice… a month. Start running around the block, feel that your lungs are about to drop out your ass, give up and go to the bar… because lifting a glass full of beer counts as exercise right? Take the stairs instead of the elevator, only to the first floor, and say “That should be enough for today”. “Hey look, I have some free time… too bad Gossip Girl is on.”

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“When my mouth opens and closes, that’s exercise, right?”

Eating Healthy

Expectation: Buy fruit, vegetables and a truck full of low-fat yogurt. Get recipes for all manners of healthy dishes. “I’m never eating junk-food again!”

"I fucking LOVE bananas"

“So, whose eyes will I be looking seductively in as I eat that banana?

Reality: Buy all the fruit, store in the fridge, and completely forget of its existence. Cook the vegetables, eat some of them, and drown the rest in cheese. Convince yourself that you read somewhere, that low-fat products are dangerous to your health, and throw that “shit” out! There’s no time to cook tonight, better get something quick and healthy… at McDonald’s. End up in front of the TV, watching The Biggest Loser, with a Big Mac in your hand.

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“Don’t look at my burger; I’ll murder your face!”

Drink less

Expectation: “I’ll go to the party, but I won’t drink anything other than water”. Replace the beer in the fridge with some awesome tasting juice! After work, I’ll just go straight home, and avoid the bar… genius!

"So... this is what being sober feels like. It's not too bad."

“So… this is what being sober feels like. It’s not too bad.”

Reality: “Fuck, this party is really boring and this water tastes like shit… maybe just one beer…” Stop fooling yourself. If you go to a party, where Fokofpolisiekar’s “Dagdronk” as well as Jack Parow’s “Hard Partydjie Hou” and “Laat Ons Suip” will be playing; a “suip sessie” will be inevitable. If you have both juice, and Vodka in the same house, you will be mixing that shit up before the end of the day. “I really worked hard today… better reward myself with a couple of drinks. I’ll stop drinking after work, starting tomorrow.” And repeat.

"Oh alcohol, you are the only thing that understands me."

“Oh alcohol, you are the only thing that understands me.”

Stop smoking

Expectation: It’ll be easy, I’m not addicted or anything; the cravings will go away in a day or two… Just imagine all the money I’ll be saving to do… stuff.

"

Have you no heart?!!

Reality: You are addicted, dumb-ass.  Try watching someone enjoy a nice little smoke break, without biting your fingernails down to the skin. “The cravings will go away in a day or two”, you, friend, are delusional. For at least two weeks, you will be freaking out whenever you see anyone (even on TV) have a smoke. Get your gum, patches and snacks ready, this will be a bumpy ride.

df

“HAH! Who needs lungs!”

Stop swearing

(If you’ve read this far, you may notice that I have consecutively failed at this resolution many times)

Expectation: “I don’t swear that much anyway, stopping completely will be fucking easy! …Shit…”

Reality: Yeah, sure. Next time you stub your toe against a particularly hard surface try not screaming “shit, piss, fuck, c*nt, cocksucker, mother-fucker!!!” (Yes those are blink 182 lyrics).

Admit it, this is your face after you stub your toe.

Sticking to a New Year’s resolution is really tough, especially when you aim too high. It takes a lot of determination and willpower, but it can be done. A resolution that fails is still better than having none in the first place.

Let us know in the comments if you’ve had high expectations for a resolution, which ultimately burned up in flames.