So, you’ll be attending one of the Mumford & Sons performances in South Africa next year? Got your hands on a ticket? Nice! Lucky bliksem! You’re one of the select few who’ll be attending this prestigious event, congrats! Now, with all the hype still fresh on the interwebs, we thought about a few things to accompany these concerts, things people tend to forget when attending a Mumford & Sons show. Hopefully, our guide will aid you in fitting in with the crowd and make it a memorable experience.

1. Facial hair

You’ve got to have hair on your face. A big bushy beard will do, or a stache will fit perfectly into the Mumford-crowd. If Marcus Mumford points at you during the show, you need to have a damn impressive beard to show your appreciation! Don’t get caught napping on this one. We suggest that you grow one ASAP. If you get kak from your employers about your face-bear, tell them it’s for the Mumford show. They will understand! Make it a priority! Don’t be swak. If you can, try and purchase beard grooming products before the show, and wear the shirt underneath your flannel shirt. It shows you have a beard and that you do support the bearded community. Instant bonus points! Please note: If you have a blonde beard, try and color that thing. You don’t want to look like homeless Thor. Not cool boet!

What he said

What he said

2. Flannel Shirts

Another important item on the list. Flannel shirts are no longer exclusively for lumberjacks! Flannel shirts should be the only item you wear over your T-shirt. If it’s cold buy a flannel jacket, duh! A leather jacket with flannel patches? Kief! The flannel shirt should be more important than your drinks for the night. According to reputable sources, guys and girls will be searched at the door for any Metal-shirts. So take your flannel shirt with you, just in case you need to confirm your folk admiration. If you can rock flannel pants, a flannel handkerchief, flannel socks, flannel shoes, and flannel body paint it would be for the better. Anything flannel would do, you get the point.

Be the Tom Welling

Be the Tom Welling

3. High-waisted shorts

This one’s for the ladies! High-waisted shorts grazing your chin would suffice. The higher up, the better. If your shorts resemble a polo neck, you’ve done it right! No need to wear anything else, except, of course, one piece of flannel fabric. High-waisted shorts (with flowers) are a must for any female attending a Mumford concert – don’t rock up with just any material for the shorts though. Stonewash jeans ONLY! If they don’t look like they’re from the 80’s (no, not 90’s!) we’re going to have a problem with you… the world is going to have a problem with you.

Dance moves not included

Dance moves not included

4. Glasses with plastic lenses

Glasses are essential to make it a great experience. The more geeky the glasses, the more ‘Mumfordy’ you will come across. Note that glasses with no lenses will also be socially acceptable amongst the crowd. It won’t have a specific purpose other than making you part of the herd, but that’s fine. Now, the glasses with the plastic lenses, no color lenses will be acceptable, if it has a tint, you can kiss this stint goodbye. Transparent is the only way to go. People will need to see your (perfectly fine) eyes through the glasses.

hipster glasses

Who would’ve thought that this would be relevant in 15 years

5. A Sheep on your head

A big wooly beanie will be on your head for the night. The more it looks like Grandma’s masterpiece she knitted for you in primary school, the better. It must be made from at least 2 sheep hides, and MUST be hotter than hell. If the weather doesn’t play along and it’s extremely humid inside the amphitheatre, do not take it off. It’s part of your head now, it’s your life! It’s a way of life. In case you need some motivation, think Joe Dirt and his wig. He kept it (he had to) on, you may make minor adjustments during the show. Dis aanvaarbaar. Ook maar net-net.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-5187-1388664502-1

 

6. Comb Over

You cannot have any other hairstyle than the comb over if you’re a guy. If your fringe can’t transform into a mullet when you wax the sucker backwards, you’re out of hope. Let us explain exactly what is needed: Fringe length: 32 cm, sides: 0.0001cm. This is according to IlikeMumfordandSonsh.org and Havebeardandflannelwillrock.com  We trust them. An easy way to confirm if your comb-over is the right length, is to compare it to your beard. If there’s any length difference between the two, sies! You need to go and work on it, buddy.

Walk into the show like

At the show like

7. Scarves (preferably a neon colour, if that fails -brown)

A scarf is essential to have a good time at Mumford & Sons. If it is an absurd color, you pretty much nailed it. If not, brown could also work. Just make sure that it doesn’t interfere with the flannel shirt colour-scheme, that’s a big no-no. It must be a different colour and in the same mould as the beanie: dik wol vibes! It must protect your face in these dire conditions which you will be facing, between constant selfies and teenage girls weeping next to you, and no tying it around your neck. Loosey-goosey is the way to go. The longer the better. If it’s the same length as the Pope’s scarf, you did it.

scarf

8. Tattoos (Henna would suffice)

We cannot stress this enough: Tattoos are compulsory! Anchors, flowers, sketch-drawn animals, Nordic stars and ANY sort of triangle shape is your go-to tattoo. Less color is always better with these items. If you lift up your flannel shirt, we only need to see black ink, if there’s a smidgen of colour, you won’t pass the Mumford test. They won’t be happy, the crowd won’t be happy, and we certainly won’t be amused by this so-called “color” on your bare body. Not cool, bruh!

The only other acceptable tattoo

The only other acceptable tattoo

9. An old camera or an iPhone (with Instagram)

You’re going to a Mumford & Sons show, you need to upload 57 selfies before, during, and after the show – in black and white. What better than with a camera that could fetch a hefty price on Pawn Stars? The camera must have a lanyard (flannel pattern), and must be attached to your neck at all times. An iPhone would be the second choice if your mom doesn’t want to lend you her university-days camera. An iPhone with Instagram OPEN is what you need. The photos aren’t going to post themselves!? You’re here to take photos and upload them to Instagram during the show, looking at your phone the whole time won’t be frowned upon. In fact, it will be widely accepted to be the norm if you didn’t look at the stage once during the performance. Make sure you have enough data. If the photos aren’t uploaded within 5 minutes of being taken, they will be considered obsolete and outdated. Fastest fingers first! If you don’t take any photos, you weren’t there, you damn liar!

selfie

This is YOU

10. Indiana Jones satchel

We almost forgot! An Indiana Jones satchel will be needed. How else would you carry your air with you? Duh! The satchel must be a World War 2 relic and brown. Don’t forget brown! Essential folk color scheme 101. You can’t rock up at the show with a black satchel! Have you been living under a fashion-rock? Brown is the only way to go with a satchel. Look, size won’t matter as it won’t hold anything, well, except your fashion sense and maybe a Mumford & Sons T-shirt you bought but won’t wear… seeing as you’re rocking the flannel and the beard grooming shirt. Hell, what were you thinking wearing a Mumford shirt? Shame on you!

*This was purely written to poke fun at the people who are so fucking serious about what they should wear to the Mumford & Sons concert and what kinds of people are allowed, according to them.

Tickets to the shows will be going on sale again on 9 September 2015 – make sure you get your hands on one… again.

See you there.