Striking out, it is a given in any male’s lifetime but Saturday night I couldn’t believe how a young and intoxicated 17 year old tried to pick up a lady. It was spectacularly bad and hilarious at the same time, I was constantly laughing on the other side and I asked the question to myself: “Was I also that fucking dumb and naïve when I was younger?”

Always a winner

Always a winner

Here are a few things that might just not help you pick up woman:

1. If your mindset is in the line off, I am fucking hot; I am the most handsome person in this whole place, people would pay to fuck me. Chances are you are quite the opposite, and probably still a virgin.

2. Alcohol, it can make or break you. I had a recent strike out, it was at Arcade Empire whereby I tried to chat up a lovely lady, but the catch was, I was hammered and the stench of brandy filled the air around me. I muttered something in the line of giraffe green tequila (No, I have no idea what that was at all) and I just got a disappointed look back, I accepted defeat and I became Lucien Muller entertainment for that given moment. If it was probably a few hours earlier, I could’ve should’ve would’ve actually had a nice conversation.

3. Going straight for the kill, if you think that diving in straight for that first romantic kiss without saying a word is the feat of absolute confidence, you are one mistaken individual. You will get a PK or lips bitten off.

4. Mentioning your ex and how she ripped your heart out of your chest, and then proclaiming your undying love for her in the same sentence. You are just setting yourself up for misery bud.

5. Not buying a lady a drink, and to top it off, you drink hers… How can you live with yourself? Go home, look in the mirror and proclaim that you have failed at life and buy 18 cats.

6. If your breath smells like a warthog family died in there, buy a gaddamn chappie!

7. A fundamental error that creeps in which all of you should take note of. Introduce yourself, no point in commencing in a full blown conversation about your family’s beach house in Ballito and your awesome friends who can not be anymore awesome otherwise they will explode due to awesomeness, because inevitably you will get this question thrown at you: “Who the FUCK are you?”

8. Contain yourself young one, chances are next to zero if you think that you will maybe get a blowie under the table from your “future girlfriend” unless she is into that sort of thing. Then I would suggest that you should make a run for the hills, because you probably won’t be the first to receive some relieved pressure.

9. Not knowing when to stop, you tried, she is irritated, you are still trying, she is getting angry, you are making a scintillating move, you get thrown into the street on your ass. Push the boundaries but know your limitations.

10. Ignore all these things and do the opposite, I am in need of a good chuckle on a Saturday or Friday night.

See you at the bar