With shitty 2016 almost a thing of the past, let’s look forward to 2017 (with all our resolutions and dreams) and everything it has to offer.

Harambe will still be gone, Trump is taking over, and there will be a ton of music festivals to keep your ears warm and your souls a bit younger.

2016 saw a lot less festivals than 2015 and 2014, which is really crappy. We as South Africans love our music, and with the declining state of the country, it hurts us seeing all these amazing festivals being cancelled or postponed until further notice. Unfortunately, this is the current state of the country, we can only try to make the best of it. There are still loads of eargasms to be had in 2017, we are not North Korea.

With that said, we here at Why Ed have compiled a list of music festivals that will be kief come 2017, and will be tearing into your boring day-job during the calendar. “What music festivals are you referring to,” you may ask… Well, listen up tjopper, this one’s for you! We also included one festival in December 2016. Begin 2017 the right way, with music in your ears and a dop in your hand.

*Click the names of each of the festivals for more information

Smoking Dragon

When? 29 to 31 December.

How does it work?

Jou nuwejaarplan. Smoking Dragon. Drie dae in die berge met 4 stages wat jou catapult in 2017 in. Sê vir mamma en pappa dat jy nie hierdie jaar weer na ouma en oupa se plaas in Warmbad wil gaan nie. Jy wil makietie in die berge. Moerse line-up and good vibes.

Lekker rating: Did you know that music and mountains compliment each other. That means Smoking Dragon has found the perfect formula to kick 2016 in its ass. Kliphard.

Wallet status: Ask ma and pa for your December sakgeld sommer nou. As jy nie kan nie, gaan jy ‘n klein lening moet aangaan wat jy einde Maart kan afbetaal. So, nie bankrot vibes nie.

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Up The Creek

When? 26 to 29 January.

How does it work?

Sun, river and dik vibes… oh, and sunscreen. Head to the Cape area for one weekend that will get you moist in the pants. The perfect festival for chilling in a river while the water and music fill your siel. Vat net ‘n lilo, dan is jy piele.

Lekker rating: River, music and a jol. Wat soek jy nog meer? A lady? Yes, you’re bound to see a lot of Bikini Babes… no, not that show on etv.

Wallet status: Expensive if you’re not in the area. Book a plane ticket and buy a lilo. Jy gaan moer hard moet spaar vir ‘n paar weke. Begin sommer nou, hierdie gaan jou belated Desember vakansie wees.

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SpeedoFest

When? 18 February.

How does it work?

Fetch that Hoff-15-year-anniversery-speedo out of the closet and come party with awesome bands, all in the name of charity. 4th year in the business, the sexy Speedo business.

Lekker rating: Well, you can’t get better than beautiful Speedos. Pants are going down, and Speedos are going up. We cannot stress enough how awesome Speedofest is. Be alive, be lekker and start dusting off that Speedo.

Wallet status: You need to support the cause. Breek jou piggy bank en gee met ‘n goeie hart. Jy gaan nie te veel afkak nie, dit is ten minste een naweek se jol wat jy dalk gaan moet opgee (dalk).

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Mieliepop

When? March.

How does it work?

Mieliepop will be held in M-poemalangaaaaa! The North’s answer to all those festivals with a river. Three days on the grass, in the rave cave and jolling with your mates. Moerse baie acts and moerse lekker langnaweek.

Lekker rating: If we had more thumbs, they would all be pointing to the sky. Mieliepop is going fokken down, and you don’t want to miss this. Probably the best thing in M-poemalangaaaaa other than the Wimpy. There will also be yoga at the festival. Dop, rook en yoga. Sounds like a plan kwadraat.

Wallet status: You’re going to have to save up a bit for this. At least two weekends of dopping down the drain, but you’ll make up for it at the Mielie Republic. Kom tan daardie wit bene en word deel van die Mielie-mense.

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 Splashy Fen

When? 13 to 16 April.

How does it work?

South Africa’s oldest music festival will be held in Kwazulu Natal. It’s in Durbs and it’s always lekker to check out the coastal areas in South Africa. Road trip vibes!

Lekker rating: Berge, dale, en ‘n riviere. Jinne! Jy gaan net dalk bietjie nat word… orals. Maar ‘n goeie nat. Nie broekpis nat nie.

Wallet status: Bietjie meer uit die sak indien jy van Pretoors af ry. Cash a little bit of your pension fund in, and maybe strip at Teazers for a weekend or two (don’t actually do that).

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Slamfest

When? 14 to 16 April.

How does it work?

Pak snacks in for the trip, want jy gaan die Noord betree. Leave all your issues and worries at home and head into the infamous Wolmer Events Arena for metal, rock, and even some chilled vibes. Die line-up is amper so lank soos die Bokke se loss-record.

Lekker rating: The most fun you can have in Pretoria North. Jy kan horries klap as jy te veel dop en chop gehad het, en sommer kamp in die Noord. Moenie worry nie, niemand gaan jou smeer met brake fluid nie. Die Wolmernaars is ‘n klomp nice oukies.

Wallet status: Drop die McD’s en KFC Zinger Wings vir so week of twee, dan is jy shap. Jy gaan heel naweek daar wees, so moenie jou kop breek oor kos by jou crib nie. Koop sommer daar, dis lekker. Dis ‘n Why Ed belofte.

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STRAB

When? May.

How does it work?

The big one in Mozambique. Tons of acts, the great beach view, and R&R to keep you busy. As jy nie die band like nie, mes-hande af strand toe en baljaar soos ‘n kind met ‘n goue ster op sy voorkop. Los jou skoene by die huis en flip-flop heeldag rond. Ons was daar die jaar. Dit is lieflik.

Lekker rating: Did we mention the beach? Hope pret. Jy is op die strand! Gaan mal! Jy kan selfs bodysurf soos die ballies op Margate en die musiek hoor op die deck. Jinne. Dis om van ‘n ereksie te kry.

Wallet status: So drie kar premies wat jy gaan moet skip, en weer vinnig moet inhaal. Die bank sal verstaan…

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Innibos Laeveld Nasionale Kunstefees

When? June / July.

How does it work?

An arts festival in the middle of Nelspruit. Over a few days where you can take in the arts, music, and mini doughnuts all around you. Practise your “tannies” and “ooms” before each sentence.

Lekker rating: The alternative music, YES! Always a few rock acts to keep you from shaving off your ears when you look at the “main stage” where the “Afrikaans is Groot” groups are performing. Jy gaan wel moet kamp op ‘n skool se rugbyveld. Vat maar jou Blou Bul onna saam.

Wallet status: Flip jou spaarblikkie en bum bier vir ‘n week. Dalk ook skip op jou Game rekening vir ‘n maand.

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Mozamboogy

When? July.

How does it work?

Amper dieselfde vibe as STRAB. Mozambique, see, strand, en goeie musiek, net met meer chilled tunes. Jy gaan gat swaai in die sand en kak sexy lyk op die stand.

Lekker rating: Ja Nee Lekker! Groovy en funky tunes vir vier dae, en daar is ‘n beach. As jy nie die vibe dig nie, speel touch rugby op die strand, of gooi ‘n frisbee vir jou tjommies.

Wallet status: Spaar soos jou ouma spaar vir hierdie ene. Hard en oneindig. Ongelukkig is dit die waarheid.

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Oppikoppi Festival

When? August.

How does it work?

Die haan onder die henne. Oppi-Fokken-Koppi. One huge music festival in Mordor. Los pappie se BMW  en jou Jeezy sneakers by die huis, want hier word jy donners vuil! Moer baie bands, moer baie mense, en jy gaan ten minste 2 ure moet afstaan om jou tent te soek… elke aand. Lees sommer ons review hier. 

Lekker rating: Hou jy nie van dust-engele en tot 3 uur die oggend “Oppi” te skree nie? Wel, dan is Koppi nie vir jou nie. Vir die res wat normaal is, is Oppikoppi klaar in jou dagboek geskryf en verlof al klaar ingesit. As jy van musiek hou, mis jy nie hierdie ene nie.

Wallet status: Jy gaan betaal perd. Maak dit fun, moenie uitgaan vir ‘n maand nie, en besoek Oppikoppi na jou “healthy lifestyle change.” Drink sommer daardie eerste bier onder die Mordor-son. Hy gaan soos nog proe.

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When? 30 September.

How does it work?

Kopskud kinners, this is for you. Krank’d Up is held in Jolburg. International and local acts.

Lekker rating: Pretty darn good, we say. It’s a day to remember. Your favorite internationals on one stage. No kak, just good times with lekker people. Jy gaan jou kop van sy nek af skud. So, practise al nou.

Wallet status: Nie te sleg nie. Jy gaan omtrent meer geld spend op een aand se behoorlike Netflix and Chill as by hierdie fees.14484831_862697013861597_5439043343189321322_n

Rocking the Daisies

When? October.

How does it work?

Jy gaan rock en jy gaan party! Rocking the Daisies, die goeie ou Kaap se pre-eminent musiek fees. This is going to be rof in the stof river. Hierdie moet op jou bucket list wees.

Lekker rating: Rivier, lilo, alkoholiese verversings en goeie mense. Fokkit, wat soek jy nog? Dis een van die beste feeste in Suid-Afrika en klap sommer van die internationals vir ‘n ses.

Wallet status: Vir ons Valies gaan dit ‘n arm en ‘n been kos. Jy moet daar uitkom, wat tos is. Maar as jy daar is, dan gaan jou spaargeld vir die afgelope 3 maande rerig wonders hier doen.

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Park Acoustics

When? Throughout the year.

How does it work?

Every single month on the last Sunday of said month. A line-up that will make you kap a dratie at work each month.

Lekker rating: What better way to spend your Sunday, after katkisasie of course? Dis dik cool vibes met van die beste local kunstenaars op die scene. Selfs ouer toppies mag join. Pak jou ma se wyn in en kom geniet die Park.

Wallet status: Jy kan Saterdagaand op die bench sit en Sondag by Park Acoustics wees as ‘n impakspeler.

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All photos from the festival Facebook pages.